Five Keys to Keep Your Valentine's Heart

By Barbara Bronson Gray

HealthDay Reporter

 (HealthDay News) -- If you're hoping that a bouquet of flowers or a heart-shaped box of chocolates might give your relationship a boost this Valentine's Day, you might be disappointed.

A new study suggests that a good relationship depends on daily maintenance: building trust and a common bond between the two of you.

There are a handful of relatively simple things people can do to make a love relationship more mutually satisfying. Researchers distilled years of relationship studies to identify five strategies that help predict positive relationships: openness, positivity, assurances, shared tasks and a common social network.

These approaches should be part of every partner's toolkit for relationship enhancement, said study author Brian Ogolsky, an assistant professor in the human and community development department at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. "The data certainly suggest that people [in successful relationships] do these things in relatively high frequency."

The study also shows that both partners typically want to feel that the other person is making an effort to help ensure the relationship's success. "The thing about maintenance is that you don't always notice when it's happening, but you do notice when it's not being done," Ogolsky said.

The following define the five consistent factors of a good relationship:

Openness: talking about feelings and encouraging your partner to do the samePositivity: acting upbeat and cheerful in your daily interactions with each otherAssurance: doing things that show you'll be there for the other person and are committed to the relationshipShared tasks: dividing household chores and responsibilities fairlyShared social network: including your partner's family and friends in your activities from time to time

Different stages of a relationship may dictate which of the strategies needs more emphasis, Ogolsky said. "Early on in relationships, people are very hungry for information, wondering 'Is this person into me?' and needing more assurance. Over time and with more commitment, that switches to more of an interest in maintaining the relationship like an investment," he explained.

Ogolsky said there has been a lot of focus in relationship research and the media on the more problematic issues in relationships -- such as the rising divorce rate -- but he was particularly interested in looking at the other side of the equation: what facilitates a healthy relationship.

The research team analyzed 35 studies that included more than 12,000 participants, identifying key terms related to successful relationships. They gave more weight in the total analysis to the research with the greatest number of participants, and focused on factors that were tied to certain behaviors in the relationship. The study appeared recently in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

One expert had concerns about the research. Lara Kammrath, an assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest University, in Winston-Salem, N.C., pointed out that the study only showed correlations. "So, it could totally be the case that people who are happy in their relationships do these things, but it doesn't mean doing these things makes your relationship better," she said.

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How to Rekindle the Spark in Your Relationship

By Kara Mayer Robinson

WebMD Feature

The honeymoon may be over, but that doesn’t have to mean the end of romance. Go on, break out of your relationship rut, reconnect with your partner, and fire up the passion that brought you together in the first place.

Remember those fabulous qualities you noticed in your partner when you started dating? Time and stress may have brought their less-favorable traits into sharper focus, says psychologist Elizabeth R. Lombardo, PhD. But their good qualities are probably still there.

Fixating on the negatives wouldn't have worked in the beginning and it doesn't work now. "In marriage, it's easy to freeze your partner into a fixed perception. Get out of that," says Sherrie Campbell, PhD. She is a marriage and family therapist in Yorba Linda, Calif.

Make a list of what you fell in love with and another list of good things you've discovered over time. "Publicly brag about those amazing qualities your partner has," Campbell says. "Refrain from making him the brunt of a joke. Embrace his positive qualities and let him know you've fully got his back."

One study found that couples who did novel and arousing things together felt better about their relationships than those who stuck with routine, mundane activities.

"It's amazing what getting out of your normal routine and pushing your comfort boundaries will do for your love life," says Sheri Meyers, PsyD. She's the author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.

The trick is to pick something fun and exciting, not just pleasant. Ride a roller coaster. Visit a far-flung destination.

Another option is to get competitive, suggests Rachel DeAlto, a communication and relationship expert in Point Pleasant, N.J.

"When you're physically competing and experiencing new things together, those dopamine levels soar, which replicates those early butterflies and gets you excited," she says. Try one-on-one activities like tennis, racquetball, skiing, hiking, or fishing.

"So many couples hold back kissing, touching, or holding each other until they have time or the desire to have sex," says Meyers. But that's a mistake. Researchers have found that affectionate touch boosts the body's feel-good hormones.

Hug your partner. Hold hands. Be playful with touch.

"Whisper sweet and adoring things into your partner's ear. Brush against him in a sexually seductive way," says Meyers. "Affection is a way to make love all day outside of the bedroom."

Having fun during sex, instead of doing it for obligation's sake, can stoke the fires of your relationship. "Sex is the playground of a marriage," says Campbell. "Fun doesn't have to mean you have to engage in sexual acrobatics; it just means have fun."

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In Dating Game, Narcissists Get the Girl

Self-admiring men attract mates more easily, study finds

By Kathleen Doheny

HealthDay Reporter

 (HealthDay News) -- Men with high levels of narcissism -- an unrealistically positive self-image coupled with feelings of entitlement -- have an easier time than others attracting a potential mate, new German research says.

"Narcissism is linked to mate appeal in a real-life situation," said Michael Dufner, a researcher at Humboldt University of Berlin, who led the study.

The research is published in the July issue of the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Dufner and his team first measured narcissism levels in 61 men with an average age of 25, who were invited to join a courtship study in Germany. "We focused on narcissism as a personality trait, not the personality disorder," he said. "This means that everybody has a certain narcissism level -- for some it is higher, for others lower."

Next, the researchers asked the men to approach women they did not know on the street and get contact information. It could be a phone number, email or Facebook contact.

Research assistants followed the men (which the men were aware of), observing the interactions. Dufner decided to focus on men in this study because men traditionally court a potential mate in this way, compared to women's typically more subtle approaches, such as flirting, he said.

"We tested if individuals with higher narcissism scores are more appealing," he said.

On average, the men approached about 23 women. To rule out the possibility that the more narcissistic men were more selective in who they approached, the researchers analyzed each woman who was approached on her physical attractiveness and manner of dress. The narcissists weren't more selective.

The narcissistic guys did get the girl more often. The higher the level of narcissism, the more likely they were to get more contacts.

"The effect was not due to high self-esteem, but indeed the narcissism," Dufner said. The physical attractiveness and social boldness of the narcissists were the two likely reasons for their appeal to women, he said.

Dufner offered some caveats about the research, though. "We were not able to directly test the causality underlying the association between narcissism and physical attractiveness," he said.

One possibility, he said, is that physical attractiveness may be a partial cause of narcissism, as other researchers have suggested.

For narcissists -- and the women they seek -- the news is not all good, Dufner said. "Narcissists are charming and appealing at first sight, but they are not long-term romantic partners," he said.

The study findings confirm what many experts have long suspected, said Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University who has written about narcissism. "Narcissists are very good at initiating relationships," she said. "On first impression, they come across as confident and charming. The problems arise later on, when you realize that he doesn't actually care about you -- it's all about him."

Twenge was not involved in the study, but reviewed the findings.

Caution is the byword for those attracted to narcissists, both experts agreed. "In the long run, narcissists made bad relationship partners," Twenge said. "They lack empathy and have a difficult time taking someone else's perspective."

Twenge said she does understand why women fall for narcissists. "The initial appeal of narcissists comes from their assertiveness and confidence," she said. "These are stereotypically masculine traits that many women find appealing."

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Gay Men Who Marry Now Living Longer, Study Says

Better HIV/AIDS treatment accounts for improved longevity, researchers note

By Robert Preidt

HealthDay Reporter

The death rate among Danish men in same-sex partnerships has dropped significantly since the 1990s, but the death rate among women in same-sex unions is increasing, a new study finds.

In 1989, Denmark became the first country to allow registered same-sex partnerships. For several years afterward, the death rate among same-sex partners was markedly high, the researchers said.

However, the death rate among men in same-sex partnerships has declined since 1996 and is now below that of unmarried or divorced men. The development of effective treatment for HIV/AIDS is a major reason for the decrease, according to the study, published online March 12 in the International Journal of Epidemiology.

In contrast, the researchers found that the death rate for women in same-sex partnerships has increased, mostly because of suicide and cancer.

"Lesbians may constitute a largely unnoticed high-risk population for suicide and breast cancer, so our findings call for efforts to identify the underlying factors responsible and ensure access to basic health care in this population," study lead author Morten Frisch said in a journal news release.

It has long been known that married people have a reduced rate of death, but significant changes in marriage have occurred in Western nations over the past decades, the researchers noted.

For example, there have been gradual declines in the percentage of people in traditional marriages; increases in the percentages of unmarried and divorced people; a growing number of single people; and fewer people living with a member of the opposite sex.

As in previous research, this study found that being married or living with a member of the opposite sex was associated with lower death rates. From a public health standpoint, it is important to try to identify the reasons why people in these relationships have reduced death rates, Frisch said.

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Marital Spats May Decline as Couples Age

Over time, partners realize their differences won't change, so they try to defuse conflict, study says

By Robert Preidt

HealthDay Reporter

One of the benefits of a long marriage may be fewer arguments as the years go by, a new study finds.

Researchers at San Francisco State University report that as married couples grow older, they become more likely to handle disagreements by simply changing the subject.

The findings are in keeping with prior research showing that as people age, they avoid conflict in favor of more positive experiences, to try to make the best of their remaining years.

The new study included 127 long-time married couples in middle or old age who were followed for 13 years. They were videotaped during 15-minute talks centered on contentious topics ranging from housework to finances.

The researchers wanted to see if the couples' use of a common and harmful type of communication -- called the demand-withdraw pattern -- changed as they aged. In this pattern, one partner blames or pressures the other for change, while the other partner tries to avoid talking about the problem and withdraws from the discussion.

This type of avoidance generally is believed to cause damage to relationships because it prevents conflict resolution, and this may be particularly true for younger couples who may be dealing with issues that are newer to them.

Most aspects of demand-withdraw communication remained steady over time among the couples in the study, the researchers said, but with age both partners became more prone to changing the subject or diverting attention away from the argument.

The researchers reasoned that older couples have already had decades to voice their disagreements, so avoidance may be a way for them to move the conversation away from "toxic" areas and toward something more pleasant.

The age of the partners in a marriage appears to drive this shift in communication, but the change might also be influenced by the length of the relationship.

"It may not be an either/or question. It may be that both age and marital duration play a role in increased avoidance," study author Sarah Holley, an assistant professor of psychology and director of the university's Relationships, Emotion and Health Lab, said in a university news release.

In order to learn more about these influences, Holley hopes to compare older couples in long-term marriages with older newlywed couples.

Holley said demand-withdraw communication occurs in all kinds of couples. She compared heterosexual, gay and lesbian couples in a 2010 study and found "strong support for the idea that the partner who desires more change ... will be much more likely to occupy the demanding role, whereas the partner who desires less change -- and therefore may benefit from maintaining the status quo -- will be more likely to occupy the withdrawing role."

The study was published online July 1 in the Journal of Marriage and Family.

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Chronic Illness and Relationships: Communicating and Managing Stress

Don't let chronic illness weaken the bond between you and your partner.

Having a chronic illness such as diabetes, arthritis, or multiple sclerosis can take a toll on even the best relationship. The partner who's sick may not feel the way he or she did before the illness. And the person who's not sick may not know how to handle the changes. The strain may push both people's understanding of "in sickness and in health" to its breaking point.

Studies show that marriages in which one spouse has a chronic illness are more likely to fail if the spouses are young. And spouses who are caregivers are six times more likely to be depressed than spouses who do not need to be caregivers.

Clinical psychologist Rosalind Kalb, vice president of the professional resource center at the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, says, "Even in the best marriages, it's hard.  You feel trapped, out of control, and helpless."

But with patience and commitment, there are ways you and your partner can deal with the strain a chronic illness can place on your relationship.

Relationships can suffer when people don't discuss problems that have no easy or obvious solution, Kalb says. And that lack of discussion can lead to feelings of distance and a lack of intimacy.

"Finding ways to talk openly about challenges," she says, "is the first step toward effective problem-solving and the feelings of closeness that come from good teamwork."

Marybeth Calderone has limited use of her legs and hands because of a neurological disorder called Charcot-Marie-Tooth. Her husband Chris says that figuring out when to communicate is his biggest challenge.

"My wife gets frustrated with herself when she can't do things, like organize our 8-year-old daughter's desk," he says. "A lot of times, I'm not sure if Marybeth is angry at me or with her condition. Often, I try to figure it out on my own and don't say anything.”

The right level of communication is key. Boston College social work professor Karen Kayser says, "If the couple is consumed with talking about the illness, that's a problem. If they never talk about it, it's also a problem. You have to find a middle ground."

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10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

The perks of sex extend well beyond the bedroom.

Being "in the mood" just might help your health.

How does a juicy sex life do a body good? Let's count the ways.

Having sex could lower your stress and your blood pressure.

That finding comes from a Scottish study of 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. The researchers put them in stressful situations -- such as speaking in public and doing math out loud -- and checked their blood pressure.

People who'd had sex responded better to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.

Another study found that diastolic blood pressure (the bottom number of your blood pressure) tends to be lower in people who live together and have sex often.

Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections. 

A Wilkes University study had 112 college students keep records of how often they had sex and also provide saliva samples for the study. Those who had sex once or twice a week had higher levels of IgA than other students.

Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: Forty-two half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.

"Sex is a great mode of exercise," Los Angeles sexologist Patti Britton says. It takes both physical and psychological work, though, to do it well, she says.

A 20-year-long British study shows that men who had sex two or more times a week were half as likely to have a fatal heart attack than men who had sex less than once a month.

And although some older folks may worry that sex could cause a stroke, the study found no link between how often men had sex and how likely they were to have a stroke. 

University of Texas researchers found that boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons people have sex.

That finding makes sense to sex, marriage, and family therapist Gina Ogden. She also says that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better.

"One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves," she says. "Great sex begins with self-esteem. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."

Of course, you don't have to have lots of sex to feel good about yourself. Your self-esteem is all about you -- not someone else. But if you're already feeling good about yourself, a great sex life may help you feel even better.

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For Married Men, Does More Housework Mean Less Sex?

(HealthDay News) -- If you're one of those husbands who thinks taking over some of your wife's household chores will translate into having sex more often, maybe you should think again.

A new study suggests the opposite may be true.

Married men who spend more time doing what many consider traditionally feminine household tasks -- such as grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking -- reported having less frequent sex than do husbands who stick to more traditionally masculine jobs, like gardening or home repair.

When it comes to chores, equality between the sexes doesn't necessarily turn on either the man or the woman, said study author Julie Brines, an associate professor in the department of sociology at the University of Washington, in Seattle.

So it's not sexy to watch your husband folding socks or unpacking the groceries? "While wives tend to be more satisfied with the marriage [when there aren't issues about housework], it doesn't translate to sex if the men help," Brines said. "For women in traditional arrangements, the wives' sexual satisfaction is greater. The wives are benefitting too."

In other words, even though women may say they like having their husband help around the house, his well-intentioned efforts may end up turning him into a helpmate rather than an object of desire.

The researchers' interest in the topic was sparked by media coverage of a report from the Council on Contemporary Families in 2008, Brines explained. "The headline was that men who did more housework got more sex," she said. "My colleagues and I saw that and didn't see the evidence."

But Brines admitted that such thinking is understandable. "From Grecian times, the women who were unhappy with their men decided to withhold sex," she said, referring to the Greek play Lysistrata. She said it would make perfect sense if there was a sort of exchange of favors in marriage, and that if wives were happier, sex lives would benefit.

"Our research is counterintuitive," Brines said.

The study, published in the February issue of the journal American Sociological Review, tapped information on roughly 4,500 married U.S. couples who participated in the National Survey of Families and Households.

The nationally representative data, collected between 1992 and 1994, is considered the most recent large-scale information measuring sexual frequency in married couples. The average age of survey participants was 46 for the husbands and 44 for the wives, and the marriages were all heterosexual.

Together, the couples spent about 34 hours a week on traditionally female chores, plus an additional 17 hours a week on tasks typically considered men's work. Husbands did about one-fifth of so-called traditional female chores and a little more than half of the male tasks, suggesting that wives helped out with the men's chores more often than husbands took on the wives'.

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6 Sex Mistakes Women Make

By Paula Spencer Scott

WebMD Feature

Wish your sex life were different, better, hotter? It's easy to blame your partner for not flying you to the moon. But maybe you're grounding yourself. These six common mistakes may keep you from the sexual pleasure you deserve. But you can fix them.

It can become a habit: He starts, you respond (or not). Or maybe you're frozen by the stereotype that "guys make the first move." Or you dread being turned down.

"I hear from a lot of men who say, 'I hate being the one who has to decide when and if we have sex,'" says New York sex therapist Ian Kerner.

The fix: Resolve to take the lead. If you're shy, start by flirting or planning a dinner out. "Even if you won't have sex for a while, you'll set yourself up to have a sexy moment," Kerner says.

Don't be angry or hurt if he's too tired or stressed. "Women often take rejection to heart," Kerner says. "Guys tend to just figure they'll make an overture and have a 1 in 3 chance of being rejected."

There's a good reason why your guy is probably more likely to give you a gift like sexy lingerie than a handbag. He likes how you look in it -- a lot.

"Women tell me, 'But I find him hot in his old boxers!'" Kerner says. "They don’t understand why he doesn't like her thermal chicken-print pajamas." The reason: Men respond most to visual stimulation, while women tend to use touch, sounds, smell, words, and emotions to get aroused, research shows.

The fix: Ditch the long johns – at least some nights. You don't have to wear lace or dominatrix gear, if that's not your style. But you'll do you both a favor if you pick bedclothes that show off your body and make you feel sexy.

Don't believe that "real" women have vaginal orgasms. Or -- thanks to porn and a Sex and the City episode -- that female ejaculation, or "squirting," is the norm. 

"Women are convinced it will enhance their experience," says Madeleine M. Castellanos, MD, a sex therapist and assistant professor of psychiatry at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine. "But only 5% to 6% of women naturally squirt, and you can damage pelvic floor muscles by trying."

The fix: Relax. Trying to climax a certain way only puts you on edge.

"Most women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm," Castellanos says. Because the clitoris is rich with nerves, grinding against your partner, oral sex, or hand stimulation can do the job. A nice stretch of foreplay helps most women climax, Kerner notes.  

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Having More Siblings Might Lower Your Divorce Risk

Past experience with family dynamics may help you navigate marriage, study authors theorize

By Robert Preidt

HealthDay Reporter

HealthDay News) -- The more brothers and sisters you have, the less likely you are to get divorced, a new study contends.

Each sibling that a person has -- up to seven -- reduces the likelihood of divorce by 2 percent. The findings come from an analysis of data collected from about 57,000 people in the United States between 1972 and 2012.

Although having more than seven siblings provided no additional protection, it didn't hurt either, according to the study, which is scheduled to be presented Tuesday at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association in New York City.

The Ohio State University researchers said one of the most surprising findings was that there wasn't much difference between being an only child and having one or two siblings.

"We expected that if you had any siblings at all, that would give you the experience with personal relationships that would help you in marriage," study co-author and assistant professor of psychology Donna Bobbitt-Zeher said in an association news release.

"But we found that the real story appears to be how family dynamics change incrementally with the addition of each sibling," she said. "Having more siblings means more experience dealing with others, and that seems to provide additional help in dealing with a marriage relationship as an adult."

Although the study found a link between having more siblings and lower odds of divorce, it didn't prove a cause-and-effect relationship. Because it was presented at a medical meeting, the data and conclusions should be viewed as preliminary until published in a peer-reviewed journal.

The positive effects of having more brothers and sisters were seen among all generations included in the study. The research didn't examine why having more siblings reduces the risk of divorce, but there are many possible reasons, according to study co-author Doug Downey.

"Growing up in a family with siblings, you develop a set of skills for negotiating both negative and positive interactions," said Downey, a professor of sociology. "You have to consider other people's points of view and learn how to talk through problems. The more siblings you have, the more opportunities you have to practice those skills. That can be a good foundation for adult relationships, including marriage."

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Who Says the Sexes Are Planets Apart?

By Amanda Gardner

HealthDay Reporter

(HealthDay News) -- Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus? Maybe not.

It's a pop psychology theory that has permeated modern culture, but a new study debunks the premise that men and women are irrevocably different in every way.

"A lot of people think about men and women as being different species somehow," said study senior author Harry Reis, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester Medical Center in New York. "We wanted to hold that assumption up to rigorous scrutiny."

Reis and his co-author, Bobbi Carothers, senior data analyst for the Center for Public Health System Science at Washington University in St. Louis, analyzed 122 different physical and personality traits in more than 13,000 individuals. Their findings are reported in the February issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Physical traits included weight, height, shoulder breadth, arm circumference and waist-to-hip ratio. Psychological characteristics included empathy, fear of success, intimacy, choice of mate and sexual attitudes and behavior.

The conclusion?

Sure, men and women were physically different, obviously in terms of genital organs but also in height, weight and prowess (men tended to throw the javelin farther and jump higher than women did), the study found.

And certain stereotypes held true with regard to hobbies and activities. For instance, women were more likely to be interested in scrapbooking, pedicures and TV talk shows, while men veer toward boxing, video games and watching pornography, the researchers said.

But that's where the distinctions ended.

In terms of psychology, the thinking of men and women tended to overlap. In other words, men can be from Venus or Mars, and so can women, although it might be more accurate to say both genders are from Earth.

"We're accustomed to men having a penis and women having a vagina, then putting all kinds of attributes on them," said Dr. T. Byram Karasu, psychiatrist-in-chief at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City. "In reality, there's no such thing as men's and women's characteristics."

"Masculinity is a spectrum and there are men who are more 'woman' than women in terms of 'female characteristics' such as empathy and compassion," he added. "Femininity is also a spectrum. On one end, some females have more testosterone and aggression than most men."

So why do people tend to segregate men and women into such separate stratospheres?

"It is the drama that we love," Karasu said. "These are the roles we are given to play."

But this role-assigning may actually be harmful, Reis said. For instance, if you attribute your mate's annoying behavior to immutable gender traits, he or she will have no reason to change.

"It would make me very happy [if people started seeing] these various qualities as human differences -- qualities that some people have more of and some people have less of -- and that a person's gender is a very small piece of that," Reis said.

And what about the idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus?

"That idea should go into the trash can and, yes, you may quote me," Reis said.

More information

The World Health Organization has more on gender.

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6 Marriage Mistakes for Women

Avoiding these 6 things may make for a better marriage.

Attention, married women: What you don't know about marriage may spell trouble.

For instance, if you don't speak up for what you want, your husband is flying blind -- and not likely to deliver. And the way you talk about your issues may be making matters worse. And then there's the bedroom.

Getting married is easy. Being married can be trickier. Here is some expert advice to avoid or correct six common mistakes that can cost a marriage, or at the least, weaken its foundations. Whether it's you or your spouse making these mistakes, taking positive action can make a big difference.

Some wives are too willing to give up on what they want, says Susan Heitler, PhD. She is a Denver-based clinical psychologist and author of Power of Two, a marriage skills-building course.

Heitler calls it "appendage-itis," in which the wife is basically being an accessory to the husband, instead of being a full and equal partner in the marriage.

Some women tend to be "all about him" rather than all about themselves, as men tend to be, Heitler says.

"Usually, they're afraid it could make a fight or some unpleasantness, or they just think somehow, on a subconscious level, in order to preserve the relationship, they have to diminish what they themselves want," she says. The sense of helplessness leads to anger that eventually boils over, she says.

Her solution? Express your concerns rationally, whether about housework or parenting duties, or about not getting enough time with your husband or for yourself. He may like golfing on weekends while she may want him around for family time, for example. "If she spoke up, they might be able to work out a better arrangement," Heitler says. "Maybe they'd switch to a softball league in the summer where it would be a family event.''

Couples that function the best in marriage have made their expectations clear from the outset about division of labor, parenthood, and money, says family and marriage therapist Eli Karam, PhD. He is an assistant professor of couples therapy at the University of Louisville.

But many couples don't have those discussions and are operating on auto-pilot. "Lots of couples operate on what they assume in their head because they grew up that way, that if it works for them, it works for their partners," Karam says.

Resentment can easily build if expectations differ or are dashed on the rocks of hard reality. For example, he says some women "think having a baby will change their husband or bring him closer. What we know about marriage satisfaction is that it takes a massive dip when the first child is born. If they knew that before marriage ... it would help them navigate normal roadblocks and not freak out when it happens."

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