Can Nelson Mandela help your relationship?

What has your spouse done lately that really hurt you? Were you ignored? Rejected? Feeling controlled? Maybe disconnected? My encouragement for you today has nothing to do with your hurtful spouse.

My encouragement is…”What are you going to do with the hurt?”

Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Remember when the disciples asked Jesus how many times they were to forgive someone? I love Jesuss sarcasm, when he said, “70×7”. In essense, there’s no limit to our need to forgive, because forgiveness is for us!

If you want to be freed from the hurt, let it go by saying something like, “God, it’s in your hands. Help me forgive.” God will answer.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

If your marriage needs help, please call us at 800-975-8748 to hear how the ER4LOVE Intensive program can help you today.

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Tags: bitterness, forgiveness, Nelson Mandela, resentmentMy passion is help you get it, so your relationships don't completely stress you out! That's why "The DNA of Relationships" study is so important, or the book my wife and I barely survived writing (because we are so different...we almost killed each other. You'll have to read the book to understand.), will revolutionize the way you resolve conflict. "The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage". Click on the links to learn more about those resources and find more that will help you love each other like you never dreamed possible!

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How to Rekindle the Spark in Your Relationship

By Kara Mayer Robinson

WebMD Feature

The honeymoon may be over, but that doesn’t have to mean the end of romance. Go on, break out of your relationship rut, reconnect with your partner, and fire up the passion that brought you together in the first place.

Remember those fabulous qualities you noticed in your partner when you started dating? Time and stress may have brought their less-favorable traits into sharper focus, says psychologist Elizabeth R. Lombardo, PhD. But their good qualities are probably still there.

Fixating on the negatives wouldn't have worked in the beginning and it doesn't work now. "In marriage, it's easy to freeze your partner into a fixed perception. Get out of that," says Sherrie Campbell, PhD. She is a marriage and family therapist in Yorba Linda, Calif.

Make a list of what you fell in love with and another list of good things you've discovered over time. "Publicly brag about those amazing qualities your partner has," Campbell says. "Refrain from making him the brunt of a joke. Embrace his positive qualities and let him know you've fully got his back."

One study found that couples who did novel and arousing things together felt better about their relationships than those who stuck with routine, mundane activities.

"It's amazing what getting out of your normal routine and pushing your comfort boundaries will do for your love life," says Sheri Meyers, PsyD. She's the author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.

The trick is to pick something fun and exciting, not just pleasant. Ride a roller coaster. Visit a far-flung destination.

Another option is to get competitive, suggests Rachel DeAlto, a communication and relationship expert in Point Pleasant, N.J.

"When you're physically competing and experiencing new things together, those dopamine levels soar, which replicates those early butterflies and gets you excited," she says. Try one-on-one activities like tennis, racquetball, skiing, hiking, or fishing.

"So many couples hold back kissing, touching, or holding each other until they have time or the desire to have sex," says Meyers. But that's a mistake. Researchers have found that affectionate touch boosts the body's feel-good hormones.

Hug your partner. Hold hands. Be playful with touch.

"Whisper sweet and adoring things into your partner's ear. Brush against him in a sexually seductive way," says Meyers. "Affection is a way to make love all day outside of the bedroom."

Having fun during sex, instead of doing it for obligation's sake, can stoke the fires of your relationship. "Sex is the playground of a marriage," says Campbell. "Fun doesn't have to mean you have to engage in sexual acrobatics; it just means have fun."

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Long-Distance Relationship May Strengthen Couple's Bond

People idealize far-away partners, feel more intimacy, study found

By Robert Preidt

HealthDay Reporter

(HealthDay News) -- Does distance really make the heart grow fonder? Maybe so: According to a new study, people in long-distance romantic relationships can form stronger bonds than those in normal relationships.

Dating couples in long-distance and normal relationships told researchers about their daily interactions using different methods: face-to-face, phone calls, video chat, texting, instant messaging and email.

For a week, the participants reported to what extent they shared about themselves and experienced intimacy, and how much they they felt their partners did the same thing, for the study in the June issue of the Journal of Communication.

Long-distance couples had greater feelings of intimacy due to two factors: They disclosed more about themselves and they idealized their partners' behaviors, said study authors Crystal Jiang of City University of Hong Kong and Jeffrey Hancock of Cornell University.

Long-distance relationships are increasingly common and people use many kinds of communications technologies to maintain their romantic bonds, a journal news release noted. Recent figures show that 3 million married couples in the United States live apart. Between 25 percent and 50 percent of college students are currently in long-distance relationships and up to 75 percent have had one at some point.

Even so, many people believe that long-distance relationships are challenging.

"Indeed, our culture emphasizes being together physically and frequent face-to-face contact for close relationships, but long-distance relationships clearly stand against all these values. People don't have to be so pessimistic about long-distance romance," Jiang said in a journal news release. "The long-distance couples try harder than geographically close couples in communicating affection and intimacy, and their efforts do pay back."

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Relationship Worries Can Make You Sick

By Kathleen Doheny

HealthDay Reporter

(HealthDay News) -- Feeling insecure and frequently anxious about your romantic relationship can actually harm your health, new research contends.

The feelings may boost levels of a stress hormone and lower your immune system, according to Ohio State researchers.

In their study, married couples who were often anxious about their relationship -- wondering if their partner truly loved them, for example -- had higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, and lower levels of T-cells, which are important in the immune system to fight off infections, lead author Lisa Jaremka said.

"These concerns about rejection and whether or not you are truly cared for do have physiological consequences that could, in the long-term, negatively affect health," said Jaremka, a postdoctoral fellow at Ohio State University's Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research.

The study was recently published online and will appear in an upcoming print issue of Psychological Science.

Jaremka said she was not describing the normal now-and-then concerns about a relationship. "Everybody has these thoughts and feelings sometimes," she said. "They are a natural part of being in a relationship."

But for the highly anxious, she added, "it's a chronic thing."

Jaremka studied 85 couples, all married for an average of more than 12 years. Most were white. Their average age was 39. All the partners reported their general anxiety levels and symptoms, and answered questions about their marriage and about their sleep quality.

The couples were generally healthy. Those with wives who were expecting a baby, or who drank excess alcohol or caffeine or had health problems affecting the immune system were all excluded.

The couples provided saliva samples over three days and blood samples twice. From these, the research team measured levels of cortisol and T-cells.

Participants with higher levels of anxiety about the marriage produced about 11 percent more cortisol than those with lower anxiety levels. Spouses with higher anxiety levels had between 11 percent and 22 percent lower levels of T cells than those with less anxiety.

Jaremka said the two findings are likely linked, because cortisol can hamper production of T-cells.

The study found a link or association between relationship anxiety and the body's stress and immune response, but cannot prove cause and effect.

While the study did not track whether the highly anxious partners got sick more often, the link is reasonable, Jaremka said, based on other research about the ill effects of chronically high stress hormone levels.

"A lot of the negative consequences of high cortisol are beyond the common flu," she said. Rather, she added, high level have been linked to heart problems, sleep problems, depression and other conditions.

Another expert who also studies attachment styles said the link between attachment anxiety and stress is not new, but the link to immune system function is newer. And it is "not that surprising," said Jeni Burnette, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Richmond, in Virginia.

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