Can Nelson Mandela help your relationship?

What has your spouse done lately that really hurt you? Were you ignored? Rejected? Feeling controlled? Maybe disconnected? My encouragement for you today has nothing to do with your hurtful spouse.

My encouragement is…”What are you going to do with the hurt?”

Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Remember when the disciples asked Jesus how many times they were to forgive someone? I love Jesuss sarcasm, when he said, “70×7”. In essense, there’s no limit to our need to forgive, because forgiveness is for us!

If you want to be freed from the hurt, let it go by saying something like, “God, it’s in your hands. Help me forgive.” God will answer.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

If your marriage needs help, please call us at 800-975-8748 to hear how the ER4LOVE Intensive program can help you today.

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Tags: bitterness, forgiveness, Nelson Mandela, resentmentMy passion is help you get it, so your relationships don't completely stress you out! That's why "The DNA of Relationships" study is so important, or the book my wife and I barely survived writing (because we are so different...we almost killed each other. You'll have to read the book to understand.), will revolutionize the way you resolve conflict. "The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage". Click on the links to learn more about those resources and find more that will help you love each other like you never dreamed possible!

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The 5 biggest mistakes people make in relationships

In today’s show you will….

learn what the five biggest mistakes people make in any relationship are, and how to defeat them!

SPECIAL OFFER

The Marriage Pack $89 – 2 DVD’s and 4 Books!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

If your marriage needs help, please call us at 800-975-8748 to hear how the Smalley Intensive program can help you today.

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NOTES

Five Biggest Mistakes People Make in Relationships

1. Poor Communication (not listening by reloading)

Solution: Listen, understand, validate and empathize

Listen and hear my voice; pay attention and hear what I say. (Is. 28:23)

2. Poor self-care…you end up empty and exhausted

Solution…you’ll have to tune in next episode for the solution!

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

Matt Brouwer – Where’s Our Revolution – Click here to view on iTunes

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ON LIFE SUPPORT, GIVE US A CALL AT 800-975-8748.

Tags: communication, conflict resolution, The 5 Biggest Mistakes People Make in RelationshipsMy passion is help you get it, so your relationships don't completely stress you out! That's why "The DNA of Relationships" study is so important, or the book my wife and I barely survived writing (because we are so different...we almost killed each other. You'll have to read the book to understand.), will revolutionize the way you resolve conflict. "The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage". Click on the links to learn more about those resources and find more that will help you love each other like you never dreamed possible!

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Women and anger (Everyday Relationships Radio with Dr. Greg Smalley)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 37:49 — 8.7MB)

On our previous program we discussed men and anger, and on this episode, we explore women and anger…if that’s even a real thing.

Susie assures us women are always poised and perfect.

But, just in case, we’ll help moms, wives and women deal with root causes of their anger and how they can deal with it in a healthy way.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

If your marriage needs help, please call us at 800-975-8748 to hear how the Smalley Intensive program can help you today.

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Tags: anger, anger management, Dr. Greg Smalley, Everyday Relationships Radio, women and anger

My new role as Vice President at Focus on the Family gives me the opportunity to serve millions of marriages and families around the world. I'm honored to continue my dad's legacy in helping couples and families learn how to honor God and each other in how they communicate and resolve conflict. One of my foundational life messages was developed with my dad, brother, and an entire team while living in Branson, "The DNA of Relationships" DVD series. I want to encourage you to pursue a community of believers through the power of a small group. It's why we produce these curriculums. They really do help you keep all your relationships focused and moving forward.

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You can’t do it alone

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 37:44 — 8.6MB)

It’s the American way to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and forge our own destiny, but who says that’s the best way? And how exactly to you pull yourself up from a bootstrap? The truth is, you can’t do life alone…people need people. Jill Savage will join the conversation as we talk about the importance of having a core group of people in your life to support you, no matter what.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

If your marriage needs help, please call us at 800-975-8748 to hear how the Smalley Intensive program can help you today.

FEATURED RESOURCE

Tags: Dr. Greg Smalley, Everyday Relationships Radio, friendshipMy new role as Vice President at Focus on the Family gives me the opportunity to serve millions of marriages and families around the world. I'm honored to continue my dad's legacy in helping couples and families learn how to honor God and each other in how they communicate and resolve conflict. One of my foundational life messages was developed with my dad, brother, and an entire team while living in Branson, "The DNA of Relationships" DVD series. I want to encourage you to pursue a community of believers through the power of a small group. It's why we produce these curriculums. They really do help you keep all your relationships focused and moving forward.

View the original article here

The Rich You Formula

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 33:06 — 75.7MB)

Gary Smalley and Ryan Chamberlin explain how the Rich You Formula will help you achieve balance in what’s most important. The also discuss from the book the five beliefs that will lead you to success:

RelationshipsResponsibilitiesLeverageLeadershipLegacy

Hear what Gary has to say about 1 Timothy 6:3 – the foundation of his life! What was Gary’s unique dream and prayer about work and money? It’s the most powerful concept ever!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

If your marriage needs help, please call us at 800-975-8748 to hear how the ER4LOVE Intensive program can help you today.

FEATURED RESOURCE

Tags: business, Finances, gary smalley, Rich You Formula, Ryan ChamberlinMy passion is help you get it, so your relationships don't completely stress you out! That's why "The DNA of Relationships" study is so important, or the book my wife and I barely survived writing (because we are so different...we almost killed each other. You'll have to read the book to understand.), will revolutionize the way you resolve conflict. "The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage". Click on the links to learn more about those resources and find more that will help you love each other like you never dreamed possible!

View the original article here

2 things you can do to overcome anything

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:00 — 1.6MB)

SCRIPT

My favorite news show by far is CBS’s Sunday Morning News. I love it because 90% of their stories have nothing to do with the government, the latest kidnapping, natural dasters, death, or shark bites.

Recently I heard Dr. Dennis Charney, Dean of Medicine at Mount Sinai in NY, share his research on how people surivive trauma. His research wants to discover why some people thrive after trauma while others are devestated by it.

His answer…2 things… 1. They have a strong support community around them and 2. they are infinitely positive. They’ve got optimism.

Maybe your trauma isn’t war or injury related. But your relationship has caused hurt. Maybe these two things will help you thrive as well.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

If your marriage needs help, please call us at 800-975-8748 to hear how the ER4LOVE Intensive program can help you today.

FEATURED RESOURCE

Tags: divorce, traumaMy passion is help you get it, so your relationships don't completely stress you out! That's why "The DNA of Relationships" study is so important, or the book my wife and I barely survived writing (because we are so different...we almost killed each other. You'll have to read the book to understand.), will revolutionize the way you resolve conflict. "The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage". Click on the links to learn more about those resources and find more that will help you love each other like you never dreamed possible!

View the original article here

You complete me and other ridiculous ideas about love

Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:00 — 1.4MB)

“I love you. You… you complete me.”

That quote from Jerry Maguire and it’s a bunch of hooey! The problem with couples today is they see movies like Jerry Maguire, and actually believe that kind of malarkey is the stuff of true love.

I’m done with the Irish colloquialisms, and I’m done with Hollywood’s idea of love. “You complete me” isn’t love, it’s lust. It’s emotion, and it’s got nothing to do with love. True love is what you say when you don’t feel all gooey inside. True love is what you do when you don’t “feel” like being very loving.

Instead of the “you complete” me’s of the world, how about we all start saying, “I choose you today, no matter what!”

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

If your marriage needs help, please call us at 800-975-8748 to hear how we Intensive program can help you today.

FEATURED RESOURCE

Tags: Jerry Maguire, loveMy passion is help you get it, so your relationships don't completely stress you out! That's why "The DNA of Relationships" study is so important, or the book my wife and I barely survived writing (because we are so different...we almost killed each other. You'll have to read the book to understand.), will revolutionize the way you resolve conflict. "The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage". Click on the links to learn more about those resources and find more that will help you love each other like you never dreamed possible!

View the original article here

Happy World Poetry Day from Zoosk

Did you know today is World Poetry Day? To celebrate, Zoosk teamed up with poet Indigo Williams to come up with these 5 tips on how to be more romantic with poetry.

1. Put a new twist on the old love letter

2. Create your own e-book of favorite love poems

3. Mixtape of Spoken Word love poems

4. Send a quick voice note or electronic card with a haiku

5. Turn a favorite poetic line into a Gif and send it in an email

Interested in how to use these tips in your own romantic life? Check out the full article with more detailed advice over at Female First! Happy Zoosking!

Photo via Flickr. Creative Commons Attribution License.

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From the Heart: Break Ups

Over the last month, Heart Friend has been answering your dating questions on Zoosk’s Facebook page. He’s had fun offering you his sage advice week after week, getting to know you guys, and helping you on your path to finding love and happiness. But now it’s time for Heart Friend to say goodbye – for now – with a final dating advice segment, fittingly on the topic of break ups. The final installment of From the Heart is about “the end”. How to handle it? Gracefully, hopefully, and he has a few words to say on the matter. We hope that you’ll watch before saying goodbye – for now – and if you’re going through a break up, we hope we can cheer you up at Zoosk. Because we date smarter. XO.

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5 questions about dating and money answered by Steve Mazzucchi

Steve Mazzuchi is the managing editor at Mademan.com. Steve’s written about dating for Men’s Health, Men’s Journal, Maxim, ESPN The Magazine and Esquire.

 We gave Steve 5 questions about love and money and he answered them.Ok, so the date is not going so well and we both know it.  Then the bill comes. Do I still pay? Typically, as a guy, I’d pay but I’m not seeing any return on my investment.Steve says: Yes, for multiple reasons. First, it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Second, if you saw Zoosk’s latest survey, you know you don’t have to spend a lot on a first date. And third, it never hurts to make a positive impression. Girls talk, and you want this one saying only pleasant things to her friends because you never know, one of them could be your dream girl. Talk about a return on your investment!Online group deal coupons are my latest addictions, but I hate to look like a cheapskate!  Is it cool for me to use these deals on dates or is that setting me up for failure?Steve says: In a word, nope! It’s tempting, yes, but no girl wants to feel like you got a “deal” on your date with her, and research shows the majority will be turned off. Now, if you’ve been together a while and have a higher comfort level together, that’s a different story, but as a general rule, no coupons on the first date. Capeesh?When a date offers to go Dutch, I usually decline, but sometimes she insists and it can get kind of awkward. Should I really put my foot down and pay for 100% [OF?] the date?Steve says: If you ever want to see this girl again, you should pay. It sends the message that you are serious and this is, in fact, an actual date (as opposed to a one-way ticket to the friend zone). If it starts to get awkward, say something like “you can get the drinks at our next stop.” This not only moves things along, it sets up the next phase of the date and lets her know you’re into her. And when she does actually pick up those drinks, you’ll know she is into you too.I have been dating a guy for 2 months and he recently asked me out on a date that far exceeds my own budget.  Do I need to be upfront that I can’t afford it, or should I assume he is going to pay since it was his idea?Steve says: Ah, that’s a tricky one, but two months is enough time for you to feel comfortable being upfront. The key is timing. You want to wait for a moment when you are out together, having a good time and feeling close, to share your feelings about the situation. A standup guy will understand, and from there you can figure out the best course of action. Which is undoubtedly preferable to you getting stuck with a very uncomfortable bill.My boyfriend whom I’ve been dating for six months makes a lot less money than I do. At first this was not a problem, but now it seems like I am paying for everything. We really like each other but am I being taken advantage of?Steve says: You’re not being taken advantage of—intentionally, anyway. But you have to ask yourself a couple questions. 1) “Is he bringing something to the table that makes up for his lack of income?” And 2) “Is this how it’s always going to be, or is it temporary?” Case in point: one of my friend’s then-boyfriend made less than her when they met, but he was 1) a fun, charming guy who happened to be a fantastic cook and 2) in grad school studying computer science. So she could answer “yes” to both questions and, years later, they’re happily married. Of course, if you find yourself answering “no” to both questions, you’ll need to have some sort of talk—or be prepared to spend a lot of nights staying home watching TV.Want some ideas for wallet-friendly summer dates? Check out Steve’s suggestions here!Photo via Flickr. Creative Commons Attribution License.

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Five Keys to Keep Your Valentine's Heart

By Barbara Bronson Gray

HealthDay Reporter

 (HealthDay News) -- If you're hoping that a bouquet of flowers or a heart-shaped box of chocolates might give your relationship a boost this Valentine's Day, you might be disappointed.

A new study suggests that a good relationship depends on daily maintenance: building trust and a common bond between the two of you.

There are a handful of relatively simple things people can do to make a love relationship more mutually satisfying. Researchers distilled years of relationship studies to identify five strategies that help predict positive relationships: openness, positivity, assurances, shared tasks and a common social network.

These approaches should be part of every partner's toolkit for relationship enhancement, said study author Brian Ogolsky, an assistant professor in the human and community development department at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. "The data certainly suggest that people [in successful relationships] do these things in relatively high frequency."

The study also shows that both partners typically want to feel that the other person is making an effort to help ensure the relationship's success. "The thing about maintenance is that you don't always notice when it's happening, but you do notice when it's not being done," Ogolsky said.

The following define the five consistent factors of a good relationship:

Openness: talking about feelings and encouraging your partner to do the samePositivity: acting upbeat and cheerful in your daily interactions with each otherAssurance: doing things that show you'll be there for the other person and are committed to the relationshipShared tasks: dividing household chores and responsibilities fairlyShared social network: including your partner's family and friends in your activities from time to time

Different stages of a relationship may dictate which of the strategies needs more emphasis, Ogolsky said. "Early on in relationships, people are very hungry for information, wondering 'Is this person into me?' and needing more assurance. Over time and with more commitment, that switches to more of an interest in maintaining the relationship like an investment," he explained.

Ogolsky said there has been a lot of focus in relationship research and the media on the more problematic issues in relationships -- such as the rising divorce rate -- but he was particularly interested in looking at the other side of the equation: what facilitates a healthy relationship.

The research team analyzed 35 studies that included more than 12,000 participants, identifying key terms related to successful relationships. They gave more weight in the total analysis to the research with the greatest number of participants, and focused on factors that were tied to certain behaviors in the relationship. The study appeared recently in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

One expert had concerns about the research. Lara Kammrath, an assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest University, in Winston-Salem, N.C., pointed out that the study only showed correlations. "So, it could totally be the case that people who are happy in their relationships do these things, but it doesn't mean doing these things makes your relationship better," she said.

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How to Rekindle the Spark in Your Relationship

By Kara Mayer Robinson

WebMD Feature

The honeymoon may be over, but that doesn’t have to mean the end of romance. Go on, break out of your relationship rut, reconnect with your partner, and fire up the passion that brought you together in the first place.

Remember those fabulous qualities you noticed in your partner when you started dating? Time and stress may have brought their less-favorable traits into sharper focus, says psychologist Elizabeth R. Lombardo, PhD. But their good qualities are probably still there.

Fixating on the negatives wouldn't have worked in the beginning and it doesn't work now. "In marriage, it's easy to freeze your partner into a fixed perception. Get out of that," says Sherrie Campbell, PhD. She is a marriage and family therapist in Yorba Linda, Calif.

Make a list of what you fell in love with and another list of good things you've discovered over time. "Publicly brag about those amazing qualities your partner has," Campbell says. "Refrain from making him the brunt of a joke. Embrace his positive qualities and let him know you've fully got his back."

One study found that couples who did novel and arousing things together felt better about their relationships than those who stuck with routine, mundane activities.

"It's amazing what getting out of your normal routine and pushing your comfort boundaries will do for your love life," says Sheri Meyers, PsyD. She's the author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.

The trick is to pick something fun and exciting, not just pleasant. Ride a roller coaster. Visit a far-flung destination.

Another option is to get competitive, suggests Rachel DeAlto, a communication and relationship expert in Point Pleasant, N.J.

"When you're physically competing and experiencing new things together, those dopamine levels soar, which replicates those early butterflies and gets you excited," she says. Try one-on-one activities like tennis, racquetball, skiing, hiking, or fishing.

"So many couples hold back kissing, touching, or holding each other until they have time or the desire to have sex," says Meyers. But that's a mistake. Researchers have found that affectionate touch boosts the body's feel-good hormones.

Hug your partner. Hold hands. Be playful with touch.

"Whisper sweet and adoring things into your partner's ear. Brush against him in a sexually seductive way," says Meyers. "Affection is a way to make love all day outside of the bedroom."

Having fun during sex, instead of doing it for obligation's sake, can stoke the fires of your relationship. "Sex is the playground of a marriage," says Campbell. "Fun doesn't have to mean you have to engage in sexual acrobatics; it just means have fun."

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In Dating Game, Narcissists Get the Girl

Self-admiring men attract mates more easily, study finds

By Kathleen Doheny

HealthDay Reporter

 (HealthDay News) -- Men with high levels of narcissism -- an unrealistically positive self-image coupled with feelings of entitlement -- have an easier time than others attracting a potential mate, new German research says.

"Narcissism is linked to mate appeal in a real-life situation," said Michael Dufner, a researcher at Humboldt University of Berlin, who led the study.

The research is published in the July issue of the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Dufner and his team first measured narcissism levels in 61 men with an average age of 25, who were invited to join a courtship study in Germany. "We focused on narcissism as a personality trait, not the personality disorder," he said. "This means that everybody has a certain narcissism level -- for some it is higher, for others lower."

Next, the researchers asked the men to approach women they did not know on the street and get contact information. It could be a phone number, email or Facebook contact.

Research assistants followed the men (which the men were aware of), observing the interactions. Dufner decided to focus on men in this study because men traditionally court a potential mate in this way, compared to women's typically more subtle approaches, such as flirting, he said.

"We tested if individuals with higher narcissism scores are more appealing," he said.

On average, the men approached about 23 women. To rule out the possibility that the more narcissistic men were more selective in who they approached, the researchers analyzed each woman who was approached on her physical attractiveness and manner of dress. The narcissists weren't more selective.

The narcissistic guys did get the girl more often. The higher the level of narcissism, the more likely they were to get more contacts.

"The effect was not due to high self-esteem, but indeed the narcissism," Dufner said. The physical attractiveness and social boldness of the narcissists were the two likely reasons for their appeal to women, he said.

Dufner offered some caveats about the research, though. "We were not able to directly test the causality underlying the association between narcissism and physical attractiveness," he said.

One possibility, he said, is that physical attractiveness may be a partial cause of narcissism, as other researchers have suggested.

For narcissists -- and the women they seek -- the news is not all good, Dufner said. "Narcissists are charming and appealing at first sight, but they are not long-term romantic partners," he said.

The study findings confirm what many experts have long suspected, said Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University who has written about narcissism. "Narcissists are very good at initiating relationships," she said. "On first impression, they come across as confident and charming. The problems arise later on, when you realize that he doesn't actually care about you -- it's all about him."

Twenge was not involved in the study, but reviewed the findings.

Caution is the byword for those attracted to narcissists, both experts agreed. "In the long run, narcissists made bad relationship partners," Twenge said. "They lack empathy and have a difficult time taking someone else's perspective."

Twenge said she does understand why women fall for narcissists. "The initial appeal of narcissists comes from their assertiveness and confidence," she said. "These are stereotypically masculine traits that many women find appealing."

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Gay Men Who Marry Now Living Longer, Study Says

Better HIV/AIDS treatment accounts for improved longevity, researchers note

By Robert Preidt

HealthDay Reporter

The death rate among Danish men in same-sex partnerships has dropped significantly since the 1990s, but the death rate among women in same-sex unions is increasing, a new study finds.

In 1989, Denmark became the first country to allow registered same-sex partnerships. For several years afterward, the death rate among same-sex partners was markedly high, the researchers said.

However, the death rate among men in same-sex partnerships has declined since 1996 and is now below that of unmarried or divorced men. The development of effective treatment for HIV/AIDS is a major reason for the decrease, according to the study, published online March 12 in the International Journal of Epidemiology.

In contrast, the researchers found that the death rate for women in same-sex partnerships has increased, mostly because of suicide and cancer.

"Lesbians may constitute a largely unnoticed high-risk population for suicide and breast cancer, so our findings call for efforts to identify the underlying factors responsible and ensure access to basic health care in this population," study lead author Morten Frisch said in a journal news release.

It has long been known that married people have a reduced rate of death, but significant changes in marriage have occurred in Western nations over the past decades, the researchers noted.

For example, there have been gradual declines in the percentage of people in traditional marriages; increases in the percentages of unmarried and divorced people; a growing number of single people; and fewer people living with a member of the opposite sex.

As in previous research, this study found that being married or living with a member of the opposite sex was associated with lower death rates. From a public health standpoint, it is important to try to identify the reasons why people in these relationships have reduced death rates, Frisch said.

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Marital Spats May Decline as Couples Age

Over time, partners realize their differences won't change, so they try to defuse conflict, study says

By Robert Preidt

HealthDay Reporter

One of the benefits of a long marriage may be fewer arguments as the years go by, a new study finds.

Researchers at San Francisco State University report that as married couples grow older, they become more likely to handle disagreements by simply changing the subject.

The findings are in keeping with prior research showing that as people age, they avoid conflict in favor of more positive experiences, to try to make the best of their remaining years.

The new study included 127 long-time married couples in middle or old age who were followed for 13 years. They were videotaped during 15-minute talks centered on contentious topics ranging from housework to finances.

The researchers wanted to see if the couples' use of a common and harmful type of communication -- called the demand-withdraw pattern -- changed as they aged. In this pattern, one partner blames or pressures the other for change, while the other partner tries to avoid talking about the problem and withdraws from the discussion.

This type of avoidance generally is believed to cause damage to relationships because it prevents conflict resolution, and this may be particularly true for younger couples who may be dealing with issues that are newer to them.

Most aspects of demand-withdraw communication remained steady over time among the couples in the study, the researchers said, but with age both partners became more prone to changing the subject or diverting attention away from the argument.

The researchers reasoned that older couples have already had decades to voice their disagreements, so avoidance may be a way for them to move the conversation away from "toxic" areas and toward something more pleasant.

The age of the partners in a marriage appears to drive this shift in communication, but the change might also be influenced by the length of the relationship.

"It may not be an either/or question. It may be that both age and marital duration play a role in increased avoidance," study author Sarah Holley, an assistant professor of psychology and director of the university's Relationships, Emotion and Health Lab, said in a university news release.

In order to learn more about these influences, Holley hopes to compare older couples in long-term marriages with older newlywed couples.

Holley said demand-withdraw communication occurs in all kinds of couples. She compared heterosexual, gay and lesbian couples in a 2010 study and found "strong support for the idea that the partner who desires more change ... will be much more likely to occupy the demanding role, whereas the partner who desires less change -- and therefore may benefit from maintaining the status quo -- will be more likely to occupy the withdrawing role."

The study was published online July 1 in the Journal of Marriage and Family.

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Chronic Illness and Relationships: Communicating and Managing Stress

Don't let chronic illness weaken the bond between you and your partner.

Having a chronic illness such as diabetes, arthritis, or multiple sclerosis can take a toll on even the best relationship. The partner who's sick may not feel the way he or she did before the illness. And the person who's not sick may not know how to handle the changes. The strain may push both people's understanding of "in sickness and in health" to its breaking point.

Studies show that marriages in which one spouse has a chronic illness are more likely to fail if the spouses are young. And spouses who are caregivers are six times more likely to be depressed than spouses who do not need to be caregivers.

Clinical psychologist Rosalind Kalb, vice president of the professional resource center at the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, says, "Even in the best marriages, it's hard.  You feel trapped, out of control, and helpless."

But with patience and commitment, there are ways you and your partner can deal with the strain a chronic illness can place on your relationship.

Relationships can suffer when people don't discuss problems that have no easy or obvious solution, Kalb says. And that lack of discussion can lead to feelings of distance and a lack of intimacy.

"Finding ways to talk openly about challenges," she says, "is the first step toward effective problem-solving and the feelings of closeness that come from good teamwork."

Marybeth Calderone has limited use of her legs and hands because of a neurological disorder called Charcot-Marie-Tooth. Her husband Chris says that figuring out when to communicate is his biggest challenge.

"My wife gets frustrated with herself when she can't do things, like organize our 8-year-old daughter's desk," he says. "A lot of times, I'm not sure if Marybeth is angry at me or with her condition. Often, I try to figure it out on my own and don't say anything.”

The right level of communication is key. Boston College social work professor Karen Kayser says, "If the couple is consumed with talking about the illness, that's a problem. If they never talk about it, it's also a problem. You have to find a middle ground."

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10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

The perks of sex extend well beyond the bedroom.

Being "in the mood" just might help your health.

How does a juicy sex life do a body good? Let's count the ways.

Having sex could lower your stress and your blood pressure.

That finding comes from a Scottish study of 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. The researchers put them in stressful situations -- such as speaking in public and doing math out loud -- and checked their blood pressure.

People who'd had sex responded better to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.

Another study found that diastolic blood pressure (the bottom number of your blood pressure) tends to be lower in people who live together and have sex often.

Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections. 

A Wilkes University study had 112 college students keep records of how often they had sex and also provide saliva samples for the study. Those who had sex once or twice a week had higher levels of IgA than other students.

Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: Forty-two half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.

"Sex is a great mode of exercise," Los Angeles sexologist Patti Britton says. It takes both physical and psychological work, though, to do it well, she says.

A 20-year-long British study shows that men who had sex two or more times a week were half as likely to have a fatal heart attack than men who had sex less than once a month.

And although some older folks may worry that sex could cause a stroke, the study found no link between how often men had sex and how likely they were to have a stroke. 

University of Texas researchers found that boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons people have sex.

That finding makes sense to sex, marriage, and family therapist Gina Ogden. She also says that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better.

"One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves," she says. "Great sex begins with self-esteem. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."

Of course, you don't have to have lots of sex to feel good about yourself. Your self-esteem is all about you -- not someone else. But if you're already feeling good about yourself, a great sex life may help you feel even better.

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For Married Men, Does More Housework Mean Less Sex?

(HealthDay News) -- If you're one of those husbands who thinks taking over some of your wife's household chores will translate into having sex more often, maybe you should think again.

A new study suggests the opposite may be true.

Married men who spend more time doing what many consider traditionally feminine household tasks -- such as grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking -- reported having less frequent sex than do husbands who stick to more traditionally masculine jobs, like gardening or home repair.

When it comes to chores, equality between the sexes doesn't necessarily turn on either the man or the woman, said study author Julie Brines, an associate professor in the department of sociology at the University of Washington, in Seattle.

So it's not sexy to watch your husband folding socks or unpacking the groceries? "While wives tend to be more satisfied with the marriage [when there aren't issues about housework], it doesn't translate to sex if the men help," Brines said. "For women in traditional arrangements, the wives' sexual satisfaction is greater. The wives are benefitting too."

In other words, even though women may say they like having their husband help around the house, his well-intentioned efforts may end up turning him into a helpmate rather than an object of desire.

The researchers' interest in the topic was sparked by media coverage of a report from the Council on Contemporary Families in 2008, Brines explained. "The headline was that men who did more housework got more sex," she said. "My colleagues and I saw that and didn't see the evidence."

But Brines admitted that such thinking is understandable. "From Grecian times, the women who were unhappy with their men decided to withhold sex," she said, referring to the Greek play Lysistrata. She said it would make perfect sense if there was a sort of exchange of favors in marriage, and that if wives were happier, sex lives would benefit.

"Our research is counterintuitive," Brines said.

The study, published in the February issue of the journal American Sociological Review, tapped information on roughly 4,500 married U.S. couples who participated in the National Survey of Families and Households.

The nationally representative data, collected between 1992 and 1994, is considered the most recent large-scale information measuring sexual frequency in married couples. The average age of survey participants was 46 for the husbands and 44 for the wives, and the marriages were all heterosexual.

Together, the couples spent about 34 hours a week on traditionally female chores, plus an additional 17 hours a week on tasks typically considered men's work. Husbands did about one-fifth of so-called traditional female chores and a little more than half of the male tasks, suggesting that wives helped out with the men's chores more often than husbands took on the wives'.

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6 Sex Mistakes Women Make

By Paula Spencer Scott

WebMD Feature

Wish your sex life were different, better, hotter? It's easy to blame your partner for not flying you to the moon. But maybe you're grounding yourself. These six common mistakes may keep you from the sexual pleasure you deserve. But you can fix them.

It can become a habit: He starts, you respond (or not). Or maybe you're frozen by the stereotype that "guys make the first move." Or you dread being turned down.

"I hear from a lot of men who say, 'I hate being the one who has to decide when and if we have sex,'" says New York sex therapist Ian Kerner.

The fix: Resolve to take the lead. If you're shy, start by flirting or planning a dinner out. "Even if you won't have sex for a while, you'll set yourself up to have a sexy moment," Kerner says.

Don't be angry or hurt if he's too tired or stressed. "Women often take rejection to heart," Kerner says. "Guys tend to just figure they'll make an overture and have a 1 in 3 chance of being rejected."

There's a good reason why your guy is probably more likely to give you a gift like sexy lingerie than a handbag. He likes how you look in it -- a lot.

"Women tell me, 'But I find him hot in his old boxers!'" Kerner says. "They don’t understand why he doesn't like her thermal chicken-print pajamas." The reason: Men respond most to visual stimulation, while women tend to use touch, sounds, smell, words, and emotions to get aroused, research shows.

The fix: Ditch the long johns – at least some nights. You don't have to wear lace or dominatrix gear, if that's not your style. But you'll do you both a favor if you pick bedclothes that show off your body and make you feel sexy.

Don't believe that "real" women have vaginal orgasms. Or -- thanks to porn and a Sex and the City episode -- that female ejaculation, or "squirting," is the norm. 

"Women are convinced it will enhance their experience," says Madeleine M. Castellanos, MD, a sex therapist and assistant professor of psychiatry at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine. "But only 5% to 6% of women naturally squirt, and you can damage pelvic floor muscles by trying."

The fix: Relax. Trying to climax a certain way only puts you on edge.

"Most women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm," Castellanos says. Because the clitoris is rich with nerves, grinding against your partner, oral sex, or hand stimulation can do the job. A nice stretch of foreplay helps most women climax, Kerner notes.  

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Having More Siblings Might Lower Your Divorce Risk

Past experience with family dynamics may help you navigate marriage, study authors theorize

By Robert Preidt

HealthDay Reporter

HealthDay News) -- The more brothers and sisters you have, the less likely you are to get divorced, a new study contends.

Each sibling that a person has -- up to seven -- reduces the likelihood of divorce by 2 percent. The findings come from an analysis of data collected from about 57,000 people in the United States between 1972 and 2012.

Although having more than seven siblings provided no additional protection, it didn't hurt either, according to the study, which is scheduled to be presented Tuesday at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association in New York City.

The Ohio State University researchers said one of the most surprising findings was that there wasn't much difference between being an only child and having one or two siblings.

"We expected that if you had any siblings at all, that would give you the experience with personal relationships that would help you in marriage," study co-author and assistant professor of psychology Donna Bobbitt-Zeher said in an association news release.

"But we found that the real story appears to be how family dynamics change incrementally with the addition of each sibling," she said. "Having more siblings means more experience dealing with others, and that seems to provide additional help in dealing with a marriage relationship as an adult."

Although the study found a link between having more siblings and lower odds of divorce, it didn't prove a cause-and-effect relationship. Because it was presented at a medical meeting, the data and conclusions should be viewed as preliminary until published in a peer-reviewed journal.

The positive effects of having more brothers and sisters were seen among all generations included in the study. The research didn't examine why having more siblings reduces the risk of divorce, but there are many possible reasons, according to study co-author Doug Downey.

"Growing up in a family with siblings, you develop a set of skills for negotiating both negative and positive interactions," said Downey, a professor of sociology. "You have to consider other people's points of view and learn how to talk through problems. The more siblings you have, the more opportunities you have to practice those skills. That can be a good foundation for adult relationships, including marriage."

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